The People’s Critique of the MSU Culinary Scene

As a tribute to the setting for our blog’s creation, Shaw cafeteria, we have written an article on the low-down of Michigan State University's diverse culinary scene. There are many ways to caricature the cafeterias, but we decided that the best method would be to use an analogy everyone has interacted with: people. From childhood memories to TV personalities to the most awkward situations, we have a full lineup of the cafeterias that will have you ready to swipe right (on a caf, not us).

“The Edge” at Akers Hall: The World Traveler

Like the exotic travelers on your Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook feed that were in the ​

​States for a record three days last year, Akers is that boujee, high-class connoisseur of anything and everything foreign. Their social media profiles have you contemplating why you’ve been spending all your money on Starbucks instead of plane tickets. Akers has an impressive Mediterranean station with chicken kabobs and Naan bread, stir fry that will please you before you can say General Tso, and a dessert station that truly is “ou​​t of this world”. All you have to do is walk in the door and smell the aroma of homemade waffle cones and Hudsonville ice cream.

(msutoday.msu.edu)

“Brody Square” at Brody Hall: London Tipton

Miss London Tipton from the Suite Life of Zack and Cody? You can hear her scream from across the room, “Daddy forgot to send me my weekly caviar!” Well you’re in luck because she has been resurrected and placed on the corner of Michigan Ave and Harrison Road in the renowned Brody Square. This cafeteria has all the stops: a stir-fry bar, the best array of sushi, a full ​

​assortment of hand-scooped ice cream, a vegan station, and Mexican food; just to name a few. However, don’t be fooled by all this glitz and glam. The Brody menu hasn’t changed since it was built, with the exception of the vegan station and the type of meat in the stir-fry line. It’s the best cafeteria in town if you go once or twice, but after a while take your money elsewhere.

(msutoday.msu.edu) (clarkcc.com)

“South Pointe” at Case Hall: the DUFF

Every friend group has a DUFF (Dumb Ugly Fat Friend). It’s a cruel nickname, but sometimes it sticks. Case Hall is MSU’s very own DUFF. It has all the amenities one would need, but it never hits the mark. While cafeteria has sushi, made-to-order salads, soups, a vegan station, and a premier dessert station, all of these stations serve food that comes across subpar at best. The menu often has unique items that are not particularly appetizing, and the staple items (pizza and burgers) are typically a miss. South Pointe has an intricate design and many types of seating areas but the food selection is always only enough to get by. Don’t write this cafeteria off your list, but don’t expect to be blown away by a trip here.

(theodysseyonline.com) (thestatenews.com)

Holden Cafeteria: The Stay-at-Home Mom

Can you think of the kid in fifth grade who always had a dozen friends at his house after school? The kid whose mom was the one who made a gourmet meal for everyone while the children played a pickup game outside? According to our review, Holden cafeteria is that mom. The menu has a lot to offer, with specialty items such as a stir-fry bar, Mexican station, Hudsonville ice cream, fresh fruit, unique salads, and homemade smoothies. However, there isn’t a wide selection of food, and the menu rarely changes with the exception of the main lunch/dinner station. At the end of the day, this cafeteria is vastly underrated. It seems that few people even in know that this cafeteria exists, resulting in few to no lines at any time of day.

Holmes Cafeteria: The Slob Who Never Tries But Has a Lot to Offer:

For the girl we all know, “Don’t look, I scrubbed today” has never been emitted from this person's’ mouth. She hasn’t worn a dress in years and her Converse shoes aren’t just tailgate shoes, they are her everyday shoes. While you may think she is a sloppy mess who is failing her classes while she binges on Netflix, don’t judge this book by her cover. Holmes Cafeteria lacks the modernistic design and wide selection of other cafeterias, and its reputation is hard to change when the only people who know it exists are Lyman-Briggs students. However, this cafeteria is a hidden gem. It has an impressive stir-fry bar without the long lines at Brody and Shaw, made-to-order omelettes, and fresh guacamole. There is always a place to sit, and the window tables feature a penthouse view of the stunning River Trail.

“Heritage Commons” at Landon Hall: A Night with Your High-Class Grandma

​The second you descend down the ramp into Heritage Commons, the feeling hits you. The aroma of steak salads, fresh pita, and roasted sirloin fills your nostrils. The Hogwarts-like ​

​decorations make you unsure if you’re still in East Lansing and not a historic Victorian mansion in the Alps. Even the piano room outside the cafeteria emits sophistication. This cafeteria can only be described as a magical dinner on the town with your grandma. However, this is not the grandma who wears holiday sweaters and has fresh-baked cookies 24/7 but the one who spent last ​​weekend in Paris and dresses better than you and the rest of the MSU student body. She only eats the finest of meats, has a healthy diet of salads and quinoa, and appreciates a good slice of sourdough bread.

“The Vista” at Shaw Hall: Regina George:

In the hit 2004 comedy Mean Girls, Regina George, the Queen Bee of North Shore High School and the infamous leader of the “Plastics”, is seen in none other than Shaw caf. Shaw caf is the most popular girl in school (or in our case, on campus). All the Plastics eat at the third booth facing the window on Wednesday’s for lunch, and you can only sit with them if you’re lucky enough to be invited. Obviously, you have to be wearing pink of course. For Shaw caf, everyone is always talking about her. “Did you HEAR what the decorations were yesterday?” “Did you SEE that stir fry at Shaw yesterday? It was so fetch.” Also like Regina, the food is deceiving. They sound glamorous and look sophisticated, but when you actually have a taste of it, it’s no better than a weight-gain Kaltene bar. However, the wood-fired pizza, mushroom broth stir fry, and box of bread delivered daily from the Okemos bakery are hidden gems that deserve a trip to this cafeteria. See you there, losers.

(retail-merchandiser.com) (neumannsmith.com)

“The Gallery” at Snyder-Phillips Hall: The Middle School Lunchroom

The bell rings to signal the end of fourth period. Everyone is packing up quickly and funneling out the classroom door. As students like a herd of cattle, we all make our way to the cafeteria for lunch. While you’re wearing your new Aeropostale t-shirt and listening to California Gurls by Katy Perry on you iPod Nano, you try to find your way around the cafeteria to find a seat.

The way SnyPhi is set up, it takes you back to those middle school days. It has long tables that you have to yell to talk to someone on the other end or round tables that are more inclusive. Additionally, SnyPhi is very packed and typically you can not find a seat unless your friends save you one. The food, however, is like the cafeteria lady actually learned how to cook and wasn’t limited to just using “mystery meat”. On the menu, items range from basic grill choices to sandwiches and salads. While here are some other nice options, you better be ready to stand in a single file line and wait.

(theblacksheeponline.com)

Wilson: The New Kid:

High school students have awaited college all their lives, and now they’re here: Michigan State University. They can’t contain themselves as they see all of the activities available: parties, tough classes, and utter freedom. However, these students have not left the social norms of high school, as gossiping and Twitter subtweets are rampant in this area. Wilson is almost exclusively a freshman dorm, and you can tell when dozens of girls run in covered in glitter after Bid Day or groups of guys debate the hottest ISS professor.

Union Food Court: Late Night Out

It’s 7:30 am on a Thursday morning. As you lay in bed you debate whether or not to go to your 8 am IAH class halfway across campus or go out with your friends to Rama. You said “fuck it” and threw on your Draymond Green jersey and headed out to meet up with your friends. After downing maybe 4 or 5 $4.25 pitchers (needless to say, you had one too many) and a $2.50 burger with fries, you end up passed out on your couch. Several hours later, you wake up with a raging hangover and a craving for pizza and a burrito bowl. Where would one go at 11 pm for all of that? The MSU Union, of course. The Union is a one stop shop for all your greasy hang hangover eats from burritos and burgers to mac ‘n’ cheese and pizza. No wonder there are never enough cups at the drink machines.

(clarkcc.com)

Food Truck - One Night Stand

It’s fun, it’s free (with your combo), it’s the classic fling. You run out of your dorm in the dead of winter in your pajamas and slippers that are clearly not designed for a foot of snow. You wipe out as you sprint to the gleaming food truck in the distance (luckily no one sees your faceplant). After waiting for twenty minutes with the other shivering students, you get a steaming plate of chicken tenders and a Coke. Life is good. Until the morning, when you wake up with fingers covered in ketchup and crums all over, wondering how the hell this happened. At least you won’t have to relive this night by seeing the other person in Chem lecture the next day…

(Spoonuniversity.com)